


Not A Demon

by FoxgloveandDogbane



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Demon Summoning, M/M, Will add tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:01:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29201019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxgloveandDogbane/pseuds/FoxgloveandDogbane
Summary: Horned Gods long predate Christianity and 'horned devils.'
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Not A Demon

**Author's Note:**

> my prompt:   
> Horned gods predate Christianity and horned 'devils'.  
> Demon AU where modern person(s) go to summon a 'demon' and whoops, horned deity pops out. Not actually evil won't hurt people, but I'll help you track things, move between realms, or fuck the shit out of you.  
> Option C it is.

On a whim Jaskier yanks an old leather-bound book off his shelf, before stumbling over to the couch. Whipping open the book he’s irritatingly reminded of how he received the book, a poorly chosen gag gift from a classmate back in school. ‘ _I found it at this freaky store in an alley and thought you should have it kay happy birthday bye!~_ ’ And despite his misgivings, Jaskier had never gotten rid of the stupid thing.

Which was currently to his advantage, as he probably too aggressively turned the pages, looking for something that would assist him. Course the thing probably wouldn’t even _work_ but he’s drunk and furious so at the moment Jaskier simply needs action. He refuses to stew on his problems any longer.

“Ah-ha!” he shouts in glee. This will do just the trick.

Accoutrements gathered, Jaskier stumbles to the floor and clumsily draws a surprisingly simple summoning circle on his floor. A mess sober him can deal with tomorrow, before sitting down just outside the circle and reciting some words in a language Jaskier is 100% sure he’s not pronouncing correctly. _What is this, Dutch??_ Whatever it is, something is apparently _happening_ and as his apartment is suddenly windy and the candles Jaskier lit flicker and the cereal bowl full of tap water spills. And suddenly there’s a bunch of leaves exploding out from the circle and hitting him square in the face.

Spluttering, Jaskier wipes his face before looking at the—not at all demonic looking man that actually _surprisingly_ appeared within the circle. Jaskier suddenly isn’t as drunk as he thought he had been, so the only explanantion is that he’s been drugged and hallucinating because there’s definitely a strange man in his apartment. Which honestly, he’s not complaining about.

A shirtless man in sturdy worn brown trousers and soft looking leather boots, with what looks like smears of green moss across his abs and chest and _holy shit lookatthose **muscles** -_ but Jaskier’s eyes keep moving upward to a sharp stubbled jaw and long flowing white locks contrastsing beautifully with intense amber eyes and HoLy SHiT aRE THOSE ANTLERS—

Jaskier gaped. He might also be drooling but yup. Those are definitely a pair of antlers. Just, sprouting out of a hot man’s head. Definitely non-demon’s head.

“I’m not a demon.”

Jaskier absotively posolutely does not shriek. He would never make such an unsightly sound. So, he clears his throat rather dramatically.

“Well according to this book-“ Jaskier points at the old leather thing still clutched in one hand, “you are a demon.” But before he can protest the situation further, which honestly is entirely ridiculous already, a large calloused hand snatches the book right from Jaskier’s clutches. Causing him to let out a startled squawk.

“Hey! You’re not supposed to be able to leave the circle!!” That’s how it was in the movies right??? Of course usually something goes wrong and the demon gets out anyway and those are usually _horror_ movies and oh god he’s totally gunna di-

“I’m a god, I can do whatever I want.” Is the rather petulant grumbled response, and the deep rumbling tone cuts off Jaskier’s internal spiral.

“You’re a what now.”

The horned man promptly lets out what is quite possibly the longest most exasperated sigh Jaskier’s ever heard. And honestly that is quite impressive since he himself is prone to fits of dramatic exasperation.

“A god. You summoned me. Here. Apparently expecting..” The white haired horned _super very hot buff man squinted at the book open in his very large yaoi hand palms_ , “A demon to hunt down those who have wronged you. Or something.” Before snapping the book closed with one hand and dropping it uselessly to the floor in front of him. Jaskier whimpers for reason’s he’s not going to analyze.

Jaskier clears his throat even more dramatically, if that’s possible, but it is him so- “Well you see, I have this really horrible ex Valdo and he was particularly nasty to me the other day and so, I- well, you see I was thinking..” Jaskier isn’t really sure _what_ he was thinking, especially with those glowing honey eyes looking so entirely uninterested and unimpressed and entirely UNsympathetic to his worldly plights, which _fair_ but also _RUDE._

“Well _clearly_ you are simply not up for the task so- so- begone.” Jaskier flutters his hands rather elegantly in a shooing motion and not at all lamely at what may or may not be an all-powerful god oh Jesus is he gunna die-

Snowy white brows raise incredulously over deep molten eyes that Jaskier needs to stop getting distracted by.

“It’s not my job.”

“It’s what- who’s job?”

“My job. I don’t eke out revenge on people, or whatever it is that you were hoping for. I can _find_ people, ‘hunt them down’, so-to-speak. But whatever happens to them once you get there is on you.”

“Well that’s- that’s useful I’m sure but entirely unhelpful in the current situation.” Jaskier offers. Since he could probably guess where Valdo is, though he’d rather not think about it.

But the definitely deity just shrugs before looking around the room. And then lifts one of his feet out of the, oh my- wet puddle of spilled water on the floor. Another, very impressively disappointed in humanity sort of sigh happens. Before the god flicks his foot to rid it of most of the water, in an oddly deer-like fashion, before stepping to the side and tilting his horned head backwards and squinting at the cealing like the spackle can answer all of his _other_ worldly problems. Speaking of horns, the god really does have quite a nice rack, well, both of them, but more to the point is the set of elk-like antlers that are oh yes, yup, scraping the plaster off his ceiling in tiny increments. Probably fine. Jaskier’s sure nobody will notice. Hopefully. He’s probably not getting his deposit back anyway.

Jaskier then begins to take stock of the rest of his living room. Some stray beer bottles and empty Thai take-out containers on the coffee table, spilled water, smeared—is that crayon?—on the floor and….a shit ton of leaves all over everything.

“Did you have to bring half the forest with you??” jaskier asks before wiping an errant leaf off his shoulder, before gesturing to the room at large. Feeling rather exasperated himself as the god glances mildly around the room before shrugging again.

“Not my fault you summoned me inside.” And is that…a hint of amusement? Long white hair and angular features remain entirely impassive. But something in that tone..

“So what _can_ you do??” Jaskier tries not to sound rude, he really does, but apparently it didn’t come across well because suddenly amber eyes are narrowing at him and damn the threat of danger should _really_ not be so attractive.

(tbc)

**Author's Note:**

> I've roughly written out the rest... but I sort of.. uhh skim over the sex parts. So now I'm not sure if I should actually write out the porn or just do the quick and dirty finish up the fic... ahh decisions decisions...


End file.
